Nasty-Sexy Thong Heels Are Back

The second coming of the filthiest, hottest footwear is here.

Today on NEVERWORNS is a short, disgusting ode to one of my favorite shoes, now with a wedge edge!

Can’t believe I’m including an image from Phoebe Philo’s Instagram. Hell has frozen over.

Nothing more I love than splayed-out toes on a cranked-up sole courtesy of a thong heel. It’s raunchy. It’s sexy. That’s what I saw shared on my feed this week: Phoebe Philo shared an image of a lone foot, slightly ajar, with five Russian red lacquered phalanges plunging at me, served on a black thong wedge. And long live that thong iteration! The shoe puts the goods on a platter where we can see them: 10 little piggies spread out for the world to see. Wearing a thong heel is taking a risk. That shallow sole is so close to that filthy ground, begging to graze it! And yet, the heel is cocked and raised, so those soles better be buffed; better be clean; better be tended to; better be soaked and soft. The thong heel makes for a sickeningly sexy combination of filth and chaste.

This piece got us flayed by the internet!

I wrote about thong heels in 2018 after I saw Kim Kardashian step out in a pair. Ok, not just because Kardashian plopped out in them. I also had been drowning myself in late ‘90s Vogues and clocked two killer editorials with naked thong heels. One was from December 1998 in a Raymond Meier high-octane poolside shoot styled by Elissa Santisi, which showed a pair of cobalt blue Richard Tyler thong heels with at least a four-inch heel. (Love that the caption called them “total-exposure sandals”). The next was a Steven Meisel-captured Giselle Bündchen spread from January 1999. The shiny Brazilian flexed her gams in chocolate brown Manolo Blahnik kitten heels with a tiny knot at the dorsum like a bull’s eye. 

Vogue January 1999

At the time, one of the historically most talented Vogue market girls, Alexandra Gurvitch, chose the shoes to correspond with the story. We had long been salivating over the thong heel. And after years of longing and praying, our messiah shoe moment had finally come. Except, we were scrounging to find good thong heels for our readers to buy. There was nothing on the market! Nothing flossy a la Gisele! If you look at the picks, you’ll see that most of the choices are actually heinous wedges.¹ Shout out to a pair of bedazzled Skechers Rumblers sandals. “I could not find a single high-end pair at that point, so I scoured the internet and found an orthopedic, funky lady shoe brand from Macy’s,” Gurvitch tells me over the phone. Readers absolutely reamed us for our busted variations on the thong heel. Out of options, we bought our own thong heels secondhand. Last night, Gurvitch sent me a video of us click-clacking in unison from 2018: She was in a vintage Todd Oldham pair, and I was in a nameless brand from Etsy. How fun! 

We were once hated for those wedges—and now, we are vindicated. Philo’s thong heel is an exact version of what Gurvitch initially included in the market: an ortho-minded wedge! Now, the shoe is more manicured—or pedicured!—coated in a sleek obsidian leather, not an espadrille in sight. After all, it’s been a long time since 2018. In general, the internet is now filled with strappy thong heels. Loaded hot girl brands like Toteme are selling thong heels. Of course, there’s The Row. Purveyor of cool aka SSENSE is parading pairs of thong heel Manolos. (But honestly, go on eBay and buy them used.) I’m thrilled! Bravo to Philo for letting those heels hang free and giving the toes some breathing room via that sturdy wedge rendition. She’s one of the patron saints of fashion women or whatever, so I’m sure zillions of girls will follow in her thong heel-clad footsteps. 

Like I said…the internet hated us!

This thong wedge cameo makes me believe that someone over at Philo is in touch with their sensuality. Perhaps someone is having sex. Hear me out: Phoebe Philo-era Céline frightened me! Too monastic. Too much time broadcasting museum visits. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m biased because I’m too pathetically nostalgic for those times when Philo cavorted around town with Stella McCartney during their unhinged Chloé days. That always seemed so fun—and that fun was reflected in the sweat-in skimpy, low-slung garb. However, this thong heel is a cultural reset; a wink to a subversive sexual awakening. It’s a flicker of hope that there is an in-touch-with-oneself transformation happening over at Philo’s camp.

Incredibly lathered heels from Vogue December 1998

But beyond the buzz and Philo, whether talking stout kitten heel or a vertiginous stiletto, a thong heel, even in its wedge form, is not a screw-around shoe. The jacked-up sandal is erotic. More potent than letting your cleavage hang out or letting your ass jiggle. That’s because there’s intimate upkeep involved. This is a shoe that says, “I take the time out of the day to sheer the cuticles off my toes and slather my heels in Vaseline.” (I’ve made similar points about the slingback heel). It’s a shoe that begs the wearer to take care of themselves, and that care radiates to other parts of our lives. Remember: When your feet are in order, so are your affairs. Plus, there’s, like, physics involved when wearing the thong heel. Your gait has to be Bolshoi-status, or else you’ll trip. Quelle horreur! You’ve got to be balanced physically and spiritually to slip into one of these puppies and walk with direction; with purpose! Think of the thong heel as a coming-of-age shoe. It takes a severe girl, ahem, woman, sure of herself to gallop in a pair. Happy strutting. 

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1. Note: If anyone from Vogue.com reads this, when you search “thong heels,” this story’s image pops up on the first page of Google, so someone should update the market. Don’t ever say I don’t give good SEO!