I Have No Idea What My Maternity Style Is

But Madonna’s early ‘00s non-pregnancy pants helped me.

Don’t ask me what maternity style is. I have no idea about roomy leggings that crawl up towards my waist or oversized shirts that graze the bottom of my butt. And please, don’t make me look at a dress. I never wore frocks before I got knocked up, so why would I start now? And yet, I can’t escape the prenatal garb. The other day, I spotted a resale maternity wear store in Park Slope. Then, in the city, I saw a massive billboard of a pregnant model balancing on her back, stretched out in a crab walk with her stomach aimed to the sky, wearing a onesie from Bumpsuit! A cursory search told me that the maternity apparel market is expected to gestate from “$20.5 billion in 2023 to $42.1 billion by 2032”. The world of clothes-for-crowning is booming, yet I want no part of it. 

If I could give you an idea where my maternity-look head is, it’s in two blurry photos of Madonna pregnant with her second child, Rocco, in the early 2000s. In the paparazzi images, the Queen of Pop struts, sorry waddles, in all things low-slung. A pair of camouflage print cargo pants with a red tank top and matching Chinese slippers, her bulbous baby bump hanging over her waistband. In another image, perhaps the most famous, she’s in a Union Jack T-shirt and