Are Nipple Heels Actually the Bitchiest Shoe?

And no, these are not "kitten heels"!

The other day, I found a pair of Tod's thong sandals on ThredUp with a minuscule heel. In fact, the heel was essentially nonexistent. You couldn’t even call it a kitten heel. Instead, the heel was a small, slightly puckered trunk in which the centimeter-length tap made up the actual height. It reminded me of a nipple. A pinched nipple, to be exact. I was looking at a nipple heel.

And what was the point? Literally, what and where was the physical point? A substantial heel simply wasn’t there. The fetal heel, with its abridged slope, was like walking on a curved nub, which I at first crudely coined a “chode”. My friend reminded me that the proper use of that term connotes there must be a thickness that matches the length…anyway! 

This is an incredible example of a nipple heel! According to the user on Instagram, it is a “trashed” Miu Miu sandal. Bravo.

1. MIND-BENDING John Fluevog (!) Leather Slipper Condom Bootie (Size 7.5)

2. Miu Miu (Again!) Lace-Up Wingtip Victorian Skank Boot (8)

3. Buckly Metallic Marc Jacobs Princess Shoes With a PINCH of HEEL! 

So, what is the difference between a kitten heel and a nipple heel? According to AI Overview on Google, kitten heels are 1.5 - 2 inches, giving the shoe some clacky, snappy sass. That’s some discernable height but not too high. As for a nipple heel, that’s a lobbed-off excuse for a heel. A stump, if that! After I posted my abridged Tod’s thongs, a user on my Instagram wrote: “It’s like infinity; the mind can’t grasp it.”

This heel from The Row almost veers toward kitten heel, but I’d argue not: The heel itself is nipple, but there is a platform component at its base that gives the illusion of more height.

1. “Squint and You See It” Sexy Red Proenza Slides (Size 7) 

2. Karl Forgot to Add a Heel For This Great Chanel 2004 Wrap-Around Strap Sandal (Size 8)

3. Harlequin Prada Clomp Thong Sandal Of Such Small Heights (Size 8)

Despite its physical ridiculousness, I find the nipple heel even more bitchy than a kitten heel. There’s a quality inherently and psychologically defiant about its design as if it’s a protest embedded in the circumcised footwear. My friend, makeup artist Emily Schubert, told me: “It’s like saying, ‘Yeah, I’m wearing a heel, and what of it?’” I get it. The nipple heel is an I-gotcha-shoe, something to flick your nose at the discriminatory height rules of the Cannes Film Festival. The nipple heel is the heel you wear to abide by dress codes and social norms in the most petty way. It’s the lowest effort yet the most statement-making heel.

Imani Randolph’s incredible Aeyde nipple heel boots!

Then again, there is some use as there is some height. I received a message from social media consultant Imani Randolph, who sent me a picture of her newly arrived Aeyde boots. “Chode heel boots just arrived at my door,” she wrote, at a time we were still referring to them as chode heels. “As a nearly 6-foot tall woman, chode heels are a godsend. I can feel sexy without towering even higher over every man, which, of course, can be a power move, but not always my vibe.” The boots were gorgeous. Snakeskin print leather, knee high-length, and boasted that saucy pinky tip heel.

Laura Reilly’s Toteme nipple heels

That same night, I headed up to Emilia Petrarca’s ShopRat event with the newly opened Ganni store uptown, and I saw laura reilly in a pair of darkwash cigarette jeans and a pair of black, patent leather ankle boots with, yes, an itty bitty heel. Lightly lifted! Lightly exalted! Yet, completely cunty.

The morning after, I was browsing Vogue Runway and spotted a pair of studded ankle strap shoes with a flattened nipple heel as if the heel had been compacted into a saucer. Regardless, without the little lift, the pair would have just been physically flat, but with that slight oomph of height? There was soul! There was a presence!

An example of flattened nipple heels for Chloe fall 2024

As for the most obvious reason why nipple heels rule? They are arguably the most comfortable of heels. Substack user The Silkers wrote in the chat that their nipple heels gets compliments from stylists they meet at brand trainings. “I mean, it makes sense, they’re on their feet all day,” they wrote. “The nipple heel is the perfect height!” Finally, Vogue’s Living Editor Elise Taylor sent me two blurry photos of a pearl-dotted Erdem black mule and a silver pair of ByFar slingbacks. “I can’t wear high heels unless it’s a special occasion–90 percent of the time, I’m taking public transportation or walking somewhere. A kitten heel is ideal because it gives me an inch or two, and I can still wear it on the subway,” Taylor writes. “But it’s the nipples that are on sale!!!” 

Yes, the nipple heel might be underappreciated, but it always sticks out, and ultimately, there’s indeed some practical use for it.

Here look at more fab picks of nipple heels.

1. Classic But Bitchy Aeyde Black Ankle Booties But High Heel Not Included

2. Jil Sander Snakeskin Print Bootie w/ German Freak-Nasty Pinky Tip Heel

3. Anine Bing Croc Embossed Big Boot With Small Heel

4. Isabel Marant Metal Pencil Eraser Booties (Emmanuelle Alt Eat Your Heart Out)

5. Aeyde Snakeskin Pumps With Nubby Heel 

6. Prada Mule With Heart Adornment And Cell-Sized Heel (6.5)

7. Epic Louis Vuitton Sandal With Fetal Heel

8. Baby Pink Tory Burch Sandal With Curved Pinch O’ Salt Heel

9. “Squint and You See It” Sexy Red Proenza Slides (Size 7) 

10. INCREDIBLE Vintage Fendi Thong Slide Eraser Tip Heel Sandals (Size 10)

11. This Prada Sandal Reminds Me of Jawbreaker With Its Microscopic Cunty Heel (Size 6.5)

12. More Great Proenza Sandal Now In Black With Invisible Heel (Size 8)

13. Incredible Fucked Up Prada 2004 Sandal With Stump Heel (Size 8)

14. The Row’s Burgundy Slipper Pump With a Curved Nip Heel (Can’t Believe The Row Is HERE!)

15. Straight Jacket Strapped Slingback Heels From By Far With a BYE BYE HEEL!

16. Miu Miu Snakeskin and Plaid Cowboy Boots With Cleaty Heel (Size 7)

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