Are Nipple Heels Actually the Bitchiest Shoe?

And no, these are not "kitten heels"!

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The other day, I found a pair of Tod's thong sandals on ThredUp with a minuscule heel. In fact, the heel was essentially nonexistent. You couldn’t even call it a kitten heel. Instead, the heel was a small, slightly puckered trunk in which the centimeter-length tap made up the actual height. It reminded me of a nipple. A pinched nipple, to be exact. I was looking at a nipple heel.

And what was the point? Literally, what and where was the physical point? A substantial heel simply wasn’t there. The fetal heel, with its abridged slope, was like walking on a curved nub, which I at first crudely coined a “chode”. My friend reminded me that the proper use of that term connotes there must be a thickness that matches the length…anyway! 

This is an incredible example of a nipple heel! According to the user on Instagram, it is a “trashed” Miu Miu sandal. Bravo.

1. MIND-BENDING John Fluevog (!) Leather Slipper Condom Bootie (Size 7.5)

2. Miu Miu (Again!) Lace-Up Wingtip Victorian Skank Boot (8)

3. Buckly Metallic Marc Jacobs Princess Shoes With a PINCH of HEEL! 

So, what is the difference between a kitten heel and a nipple heel? According to AI Overview on Google, kitten heels are 1.5 - 2 inches, giving the shoe some clacky, snappy sass. That’s some discernable height but not too high. As for a nipple heel, that’s a lobbed-off excuse for a heel. A stump, if that! After I posted my abridged Tod’s thongs, a user on my Instagram wrote: “It’s like infinity; the mind can’t grasp it.”

This heel from The Row almost veers toward kitten heel, but I’d argue not: The heel itself is nipple, but there is a platform component at its base that gives the illusion of more height.

1. “Squint and You See It” Sexy Red Proenza Slides (Size 7) 

2. Karl Forgot to Add a Heel For This Great Chanel 2004 Wrap-Around Strap Sandal (Size 8)

3. Harlequin Prada Clomp Thong Sandal Of Such Small Heights (Size 8)

Despite its physical ridiculousness, I find the nipple heel even more bitchy than a kitten heel. There’s a quality inherently and psychologically defiant about its design as if it’s a protest embedded in the circumcised footwear. My friend, makeup artist Emily Schubert, told me: “It’s like saying, ‘Yeah, I’m wearing a heel, and what of it?’” I get it. The nipple heel is an I-gotcha-shoe, something to flick your nose at the discriminatory height rules of the Cannes Film Festival. The nipple heel is the heel you wear to abide by dress codes and social norms in the most petty way. It’s the lowest effort yet the most statement-making heel.