11 Items That Have Improved My Life
Hell has frozen over and I wrote about gifts...underwear, sardines, LLWs, and more.
These are things I like. Each item has improved my life to some degree.
1. Yes, A Pack of Underwear from CouCou Intimates
I recently wrote a note on Substack that there is no better sensation than having a 100% cotton pointelle CouCou Intimates thong hiked up and swallowed by your crack. It’s like Descartes but ass-minded: I feel the thong, therefore I am. (Cogito, ergo thong.)
On a more layered note: I also need to retire these heinous packs of Amazon underwear that are probably laced with arsenic. The Amazon underwear makes me feel bad about myself. Within a few months, the Amazon thongs are riddled with tears, and yet I keep wearing the battered panties like a form of self-flagellation. Here’s another philosophy question: Is it me or the Amazon thong? Well, one thing I know is that CouCou Intimates underwear does not disintegrate!
A few months ago, I grabbed coffee with the founder of CouCou Intimates, Rose Colcord. We got into a long conversation about how a mere pair of great underwear is the apex of self-respect1. You are truly doing something for yourself that only you know about. Buying good underwear is selfish. Spending cash on something no one (maybe) will see is ridiculous. But quality-minded intimates is what womanhood is all about, so dive in and hike that thing up.
2. Sessions at FaceGym
Whenever I have to do something important, I go to FaceGym. I get the “Signature Sculpt”, which includes a FaceGym trainer powerfully mashing my face with their hands and then zapping me with an electric wand that shocks my face muscles. They use a tool called PureLift, which is like the 2020s-beloved NuFace prodder on steroids.
I love the feeling of my face being pulled upwards to the heavens, like my cheekbone can graze the Lord’s pinky. I also love the satisfying physical sensation of the bloat actively leaving my face, and yes, I can actually feel the puff being massaged out of my cheeks, dribbling down my throat2.
FaceGym is just a tiny form of lymphatic drainage. In the United States, we think of lymphatic drainage as purely cosmetic, as it’s expensive and spa-like, but in other countries, it is simply health maintenance. You’ve got to get the fluids moving!
If you know me personally, I won’t shut up about FaceGym. If you’re a friend of mine or I’ve worked with you, I may have given you a FaceGym gift certificate. No, I don’t have a hookup. I blow my own cash on a monthly service to the spot.
3. Old Postcards To Use as Thank You Notes (or Just Notes)
My friend Mellany Sanchez (whom I recorded a podcast with here!) once sent me a lovely note on an antique New York postcard. This reminds me that I need to write to my friends more. Also, I need to be more on top of writing thank you notes in general. I never want to be that dickhead who forgets one ever again. I also never want to write a thank you note on stationery akin to one-ply toilet paper, either.
3. This Cleo Top In Searing Blue
Am I biased in recommending what I have christened “the magic shirt”? Perhaps, because it is a Cleo Camp Tee with that killer silhouette in the arresting NEVERWORNS hue “Splash.” If you’re a NEVERWORNS diehard, you’ll know that we sold out of 250 of the shirts overnight. As of this week, they have been restocked.
Now, for the uninitiated, more info on the shirt: the Cleo tee has a reversible silhouette with an elegant bateau for your 9-5, and then a side that boasts a sultry scoop so you can go saucy on date night, aka your 5-9 (or later). We love options.
Cleo and I spent months sending specific blues back and forth. A 1-800-Sandals vacation, blue: crisp, clear, euphoric aqua. A blue that exists in Michael Kors-era Celine rich bitch, cusp of the millennium oligarch side-piece collections. A blue that exists in the skies above the clouds! A blue that exists in a frosty, nuclear cerulean drink at a Miami bar. I wear my Cleo “Splash” tee at least four days a week. I wash them on cold and let them hang dry.
5. A Key Tray That Will Change the Course of Your Life
I follow what I call Key Tray Philosophy, which means if you place your keys in a designated tray, your day–and eventually life–have more of a chance of flowing smoothly. Think about it: if you’re searching for your keys and in a rush, you are more at risk for being late, which can be a domino effect of heinousness. Not to mention the bad mood that comes from rushing! I asked this question in a piece I wrote about a year ago on key trays: What if chronic lateness and the feelings that come with it compound over the years? You can read that here. But also don’t forget that there are key tray options below!
6. Language Courses with iTalki
I speak Russian, but I sound like I am piss drunk marooned in Rego Park’s Cheburechnaya whenever I open up my mouth. So, I signed up for iTalki, and I take a class with a lovely man named Ivan who lives in Vietnam. I take a harrowing 30-minute class at 6:30 am before the sun (and my son) comes up. It’s nice to do something unrelated to my professional life. Send to someone who might be short on time but wants to learn.
7. A Sleek Long Lady Wallet for Financial Order
A Long Lady Wallet, aka a LLW3, will help your finances and keep things in order. Pre-LLW, my finances were abysmal. Chaotic. No cash. A constant loss of credit cards. Gum-covered quarters marinating at the bottom of my bag. A chewed-up passport with pen ink splotches. A sick neoliberal dependency on Apple Pay. Not with a Long Lady Wallet!
I think of a Long Lady Wallet like the Cadillacs of wallets; a mini portfolio. I keep everything in my LLW: insurance cards, prayer papers, IDs, tiny photos, cobbler’s receipts, prescriptions, and dollar bills. I’m organized. I’m not fumbling. Even if the moment is brief, I’m thinking about how much I spend because I’m not blindly scanning my Apple Pay as if it is Monopoly money marinating in tech oblivion. I have to go into the LLW, extract the card, and then scan. Even that little friction helps with spending habits.
Also, I love that I do not use my phone to pay when I have my LLW. Mellany Sanchez and I spoke about how it is so demented to take out your iPhone at dinner to pay using Apple Pay. Like, you just engulfed a juicy, bleeding steak at Strip House, and you’re going to pay with your bacteria-slathered, pathetic iPhone? Get a grip. There’s nothing more heinous than seeing the flash of time on your home screen when the check comes to remind us that all good things come to an end.
On that note, use a Long Lady Wallet, and live with a whiff of responsibility and elegance. Note: My favorite Long Lady Wallet options are below…
8. Olive Oil To Chug
I went to a lunch a few weeks ago and really drank the Kool-Aid, or rather, the olive oil. The lunch was for the olive oil skincare company Furtuna Skin, hosted by Romy Soleimani, a makeup artist with whom I would trust my mug (and my life).
I sat next to a sweet publicist with very good skin who was an olive oil encyclopedia. She told me that Americans don’t drink nearly as much olive oil as Europeans do. This makes sense: I feel like we are whittled down to a dehydrated sack of zilch. I think the United States has an ‘80s-era hangover of fat fearmongering, hence we don’t ingest healthy fats.
The drinkable Furtuna olive oil is pricey, but its sourcing near the nutrient-rich volcanic soil of Pompeii is an interesting selling point…and a nice story! If you’re worried about the price, you can search for other options with similar terms like “Sicily”, “organic”, and “EVOO”. Oh, duh: search “Greece” too.
9. A Schlep Tote
The Schlep Tote by Old Jewish Men is a tricked-out version of an L.L. Bean hauler: a sturdy bag meant to last as long as an old Jewish man does aka a long time. But unlike old Jewish men, this schlep tote will never shrivel, and it stays erect for ages.
10. Weekend Print Edition of The New York Times
Buy someone a subscription to The New York Times (I get the weekend editions) and tell them not to use their phone on a Saturday or Sunday morning and read it! They will thank you later.
11. A Bag of Fancy Sardines
Yes, I saw the whole sardine fad on TikTok, but I swear by sardines. I have four or five tins a week. I’m disgusting, but my hair is like silk, and I’m pumped with Omega 3s. Also, pre-sardines, there was no way I was getting any calcium in my diet, and one tin of the tiny fish (with bones) has roughly 30% of the daily calcium requirement. On that note, you should get your friends a bag of fancy sardines, like Fishwife, or Portuguese ones like Porthos. Then get them mouth-numbing Marvis toothpaste and two bottles of Therabreath.
PS. I eat Crownfish Sardines for myself because I’m…cheap? I do love Fishwife when I’m feeling spicy…
More Gifts I Just Really Like + Links to Really Fab Long Lady Wallets + Killer Ashtrays
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